Let's talk about suicide...Part I

SUICIDE IS A TOPIC MOST PEOPLE WISH TO SHY AWAY FROM.
DISCUSSING IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE KILL THEMSELVES
AND WHAT WE CAN ALL DO TO HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE FEELING THIS WAY.

IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR ARE THINKING OF HURTING YOURSELF GO TO OUR NEAREST HOSPITAL or CALL A SUICIDE HELPLINE IMMEDIATELY.
SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE - THIS HELPS!

[Part I - Never say: "You Should Kill Just Yourself!"]
[Part II - My Suicide Attempts]
[Part III - Get Me Through December]

--Part I - Never say: "You Should Just Kill Yourself!"--

"You should just kill yourself!"

That's what she said.

"You should just kill yourself!"

Can anyone tell me what is wrong with this statement?

"You should just kill yourself!"

The structure is pretty good.

"You should just kill yourself!"

It's meaning is so obvious that you can hardly criticise it for being unclear.

"You should just kill yourself!"

Short. Direct. Honest.

"You should just kill yourself!"

Hopefully you can actually see something wrong with it.

"You should just kill yourself!"

Hopefully you've already figured out why I keep repeating it.

"You should just kill yourself!"
"You should just kill yourself!"
"You should just kill yourself!"
"You should just kill yourself!"
"You should just kill yourself!"
"You should just kill yourself!"

And I bet you're wishing that I'd just quit with 'ctrl+v' and just get on with things...yeah, so do I, but ever since I was told that statement

"You should just kill yourself!"

I have not been able to get it out of my head!

You see the thing that is wrong with the statement, the thing that is so grossly evil about that statement, you should be able to answer yourself with the answer to one - simple - question.

"How, if you said that to someone, would you feel if they actually did it?"

If you can seriously answer "absolutely dandy, to be honest" to that question I would (after awarding you with a sash for your use of the much underused word dandy) shake my head at your complete and utter disregard for humanity.

Quite honestly you never and I mean fucking NEVER say that to ANYONE!

Let alone someone that you KNOW is not only suffering from chronic depression but has, in the past, been so close to suicide that a blink was all that stood between life and death.

I can't actually believe that I am having to write that. It's a sad state of affairs that I have to make a point of this, but unfortunately the world has degenerated into such a selfish pit of arrogance that people just don't ever think about other people any more.

"You should just kill yourself!"

"You should just kill yourself!"

"You should just kill yourself!"

It's been nearly six months since those words were said to me, spoken with a direct and impassioned honesty that they were in no way meant as a joke. The only possible way that statement could have been taken was: 'this person, without hesitation, wants me to slice my wrists open and die a painful bloody death!'

That singular statement has reverberated around my head every single mother fucking day since it was said to me, hindering every effort I have made to overcome my depression. Why bother looking for work? Rebuild my life, meh? Make friends? Engage in conversation? Forge emotional connections? Feel good about myself? Smile? Laugh? Giggle? Chortle?

When I should just kill myself?

Why bother fighting this unending constant 24 hour pain when I could just end it? All I would need would be a knife. Maybe some pills. A rope. Hell, even the belt I use to beat welts into myself would do the trick.

Why should any of us bother with this fucked up life when we should just kill ourselves?

Why not, immediately upon giving birth do mothers not just slash their child's throat to prevent them from having to endure life?

(And I do apologise for that image, it is in no way what I want to happen.)

But that statement forever bouncing around my head every time I try and do something positive to overcome this depression is singularly the one thing that I have not been able to get over all year.

To repeat: NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER EVER! TELL SOMEONE TO KILL THEMSELVES!

Because not only would you feel agonising guilt for the rest of your life should they do it, but you have absolutely NO idea how close they actually are to doing it.

The simple fact is: it is very difficult to tell whether someone is about to kill themselves.

In the case of the above, eleven days before this statement was said to me I had been lying on my bed staring at the ceiling whilst a cocktail of anti-depressants, benzos and whisky coursed through my veins. In the case of the above, the woman who said this to me with absolutely no hesitation (as if she were ordering her favourite meal), had given a man who had attempted to take his own life less than two weeks before, a reason to do it.

You see it wasn't "You should just kill yourself!", there was actual thought behind this statement. She provided a reason so that I knew exactly why I should be killing myself.

It was because my voice is boring.

Yep, have we all got that?
If you have a (allegedly) boring voice you do not deserve to live.
If you have a (allegedly) boring voice you do not deserve to be alive.

I might have been able to understand her conclusion that I should kill myself if maybe I had assaulted her children, or tortured her mother, or brutalized her pet Guinea Pig - but for simply having a (allegedly) boring voice?

?

What? We're all supposed to sound exactly the same? What is this, Nazi Germany? Are we in the middle of some campaign to cleanse the world of (allegedly) boring voices that I am unaware of?

I speak with an accent. It is different. Not boring.

I'm running away with myself, sorry, I have a boring voice, I should just kill myself. I'd actually be very impressed if you've gotten this far without clicking the 'email me' icon to send me your support for the "You should just kill yourself!" campaign.

However,
to recap: NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER EVER! TELL SOMEONE TO KILL THEMSELVES!

No matter how much you despise them, no matter how much you hate them, no matter if you do actually really want to see them lying in a coffin so that you can toast their much-anticipated burial with a glass of bubbly champagne. Do not say this to someone!

Please.

Speaking from experience I know how hard it is to overcome depression. I know how it feels to feel so worthless you just want to die. I am all too aware of how fucking difficult it is to not go through with suicide if you are so close to it. To convince yourself to live.

That convincing is nigh-on impossible if you are given a reason to go through with it. That reason will forever and always be in your head. It is something which will never be forgotten, and by saying it to someone, you are inflicting on them a lifetime of pain.

"You should just kill yourself!"

Please. Please. Please.

DO NOT say this to anyone.

Even if you don't mean it. Even if it is merely a joke.

DO NOT say this to a single living soul. Ever. For they will never be able to forget it.

[Continued in PART II - My Suicide Attempts]